Death Star Workplace Injuries
September 25, 2018
Congratulations on securing a new position on the Death Star, the most advanced piece of planet-killing technology in a galaxy far, far away. While the name might sound intimidating, we guarantee a safe working environment. There are just a few safety issues you should be aware of when working here, so human resources — with its disturbing lack of faith — made us put together this little guide.
Really, there’s nothing to worry about. We just need you to sign this form saying you’ve read the guide and that you won’t file a lawsuit if something happens — which would be super rare, we promise.
Here are 10 workplace injuries that may or may not happen on the Death Star:
We all love lunchtime but trying to eat too quickly or not chewing your food enough can create a choking hazard. Also, a great way to avoid choking hazards is to stay away from the boss!
The Death Star is one of the most advanced pieces of equipment in the galaxy, but there are still electrocution hazards you should avoid. Don’t stand in the firing chamber when the planet killing laser is charging, and when it’s time for your yearly performance review with the company president, you might want to avoid wearing anything metal.
The Death Star may be an advanced piece of planet-killing technology, but it isn’t entirely finished yet. Watch your step and avoid unfinished areas — or you may find yourself falling thousands of feet into the vacuum of space.
Large Machinery = Risk of Being Crushed
You should always receive specialized training to operate large machinery like trash compactors, AT-ATs and Tie Fighter handling equipment. If you happen to fall into a trash compactor, make sure you have an intercom with you so you can alert your colleagues before they press the on button.
Also, there are rumors that the Death Stars trash compactors have been inhabited by a strangling garbage monster that could potentially lead to drowning. However, we can assure that there have been no official reports or confirmed cases of a dianoga living in our trash compactors, so there is nothing to worry about. Promise!
Aren’t you a little tall for a stormtrooper?
Keep an eye out for low ceilings. Whacking your head on a low ceiling or doorframe isn’t just dangerous to your health. Sure, you could end up with a solid bruise or a concussion, but you might end up being the butt of many jokes for years to come. Which one is worse?
Chances are, you’re spending your days doing the same thing over and over again. While this is great for job security, it can also lead to repetitive stress injuries or carpal tunnel. Take care of your nerves — you’d hate to accidentally hit the wrong button and vent the atmosphere in your compartment, wouldn’t you?
In the event of a hull breach — or a controller with carpal tunnel syndrome — blast doors will close. They are perfect for keeping you safe from the cold vacuum of space, but make sure you don’t go through them while they’re closing. The pressure of the blast doors is more than sufficient to slice you in half — and if there are two of you, you’ll have to do twice the work!
Mouse droids are adorable as they squeak and chirp their way along the deck, but their small stature makes them a tripping hazard. If you’re carrying something important — or a blaster — make sure you watch your step!
While there are plenty of options for lunch on the planets that we visit — at least, before we blow them up — we recommend that you take all of your lunch breaks in the Death Star cafeteria. Some of the local systems might be hostile to our presence and launch attacks on us.
As long as they can’t find that exhaust port, we’ll be fine, but why would you want to go anywhere else? We’ve got some of the best chefs in the galaxy who serve everything from fried Ewok to Spiced Mynock Wing. Wash it all down with a refreshing glass of blue Bantha milk from Tattooine, and you’ll be ready for anything!
Build Design Flaw
There is one little thing we are required by Imperial Law to mention. One tiny design flaw is built into the core of this fantastic piece of Imperial architecture by the traitor Galen Erso. If a proton torpedo were to make it into an exhaust port somehow, the entire station would explode.
Make sure you sign and return this handbook to Human Resources. We’d hate to have this information fall into the wrong hands.
A Little Closer to Home
You might not be working on the Death Star, but many of these fictional hazards can happen in real life, too, leading to workplace injuries and workman’s compensation claims. You won’t be dodging blaster bolts or lightsaber blades, but falling from a height, hitting your head on a low ceiling or being crushed by heavy machinery aren’t science-fiction — they’re all firmly planted in reality.
If you are involved in an accident in the workplace, your first step needs to be two-fold — get medical attention and contact a lawyer who specializes in this sort of claim. Your workplace may also have a plan in place to handle these instances when they occur.
The Death Star exists in a galaxy far, far away, but workplace injuries are a problem on this planet, too. Make sure you’re doing your part to keep the workplace safe by preparing for these issues before they occur.